James and I really got into it this morning. And over the dishes, of all things.

As it stands right now, I tend to do most of the housework. James is working longer hours than I am, so I try to help out by cooking dinner and cleaning up. Generally, I don’t mind doing it. We’re a team, and we each do our part to make the household run smoothly.

But for some reason this morning, I don’t know if I just woke up grumpy, but I was really resentful. Every morning we come downstairs and he gets on his laptop and I clean up the kitchen (we won’t mention how much easier my life would be if I could just muster up the energy to clean up the kitchen the night before — that’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax). And every morning, just as I’m finishing up, he comes over and says, “Oh, do you need help?”

I wasn’t going to say anything, but this morning he could tell I was annoyed and wouldn’t leave it alone. So I finally told him I needed help. He said he’s told me I just have to ask for it. I reminded him that the last time I asked him to bring me dishes from the living room, he blew up at me, saying he was busy and working.

So we yelled and fought and I missed swimming because he wouldn’t let me leave without some sort of a resolution. We were actually late to work.

It became such a big deal, to me, at least, because as I was washing dishes this morning, a vision of slaving away in soapy water for the rest of my life flashed before my eyes. Tomorrow is May 1. Tomorrow we pick up the keys to our new place. After tomorrow, we will no longer have a housekeeper (that’s a long story — I housesit, the owner employs a housekeeper, but she’s paid to keep up the house, not clean up after us, so I still end up doing a lot of cleaning). I am so not resigning myself to being a household drudge. This is not how our marriage will be.

At the end, he realized that sometimes when I ask him to do something, it actually does matter if he does it right away or in five hours. And I promised that I would try asking for help again instead of letting the resentment build.

This is probably the third or fourth time we’ve had this fight. I really hope we are getting closer to resolving this issue.

Sharon emailed me today to recommend Emotionally Engaged by Allison Moir-Smith. She said someone mentioned it on The Knot and it’s been helping her to understand some of her freak outs. Or, as she put it, how to deal with the fact that “microwave popcorn won’t be an acceptable dinner once you are married.”

It’s funny she should recommend this, because I picked up The Conscious Bride by Sheryl Paul for the exact same reason! We emailed back and forth about the two books for a bit. I think they’re pretty much saying the same thing — engagement might be fun, but it’s a lot of hard work, too — but we’ve decided to swap in a few weeks.

I’m about two-thirds of the way through mine, and I’ll post a complete book report when I’m done.

James got an email yesterday from his aunt and uncle in California (his father’s relatives). They are excited about the engagement and really want to come to the wedding.

James is thrilled. He doesn’t have strong ties to his dad’s family at all, so it really mean a lot to him that his aunt and uncle are taking an interest. He updated the guest list (they were one it, but their children weren’t) this morning.

I love to see him get some support from his family. My family has totally accepted him and loves to have him around, but it’s still not the same.

The idea of family comes up again and again as we talk about our engagement and our future together. We really feel that with our marriage, we are creating a new family for ourselves. When Rev. Taber asked us why we wanted to “be married in the sight of God,” rather than in a civil ceremony, I told him it was about family. The church family I grew up in nurtured and formed me and I can’t think of a better place to start a new family than in church, with God’s and our families’ blessing.

I am glad that at least some of James’s family is being so supportive. It would be nice if we could get in touch with his father, but I’ll take what we can get.

Heck, James even had a phone conversation with his brother a week or two ago. I think that was the first time they’ve talked in months, maybe even a year. James has never even met his nephew (who will, by the way, be our ring bearer — his dad said it was fine).

I cannot be happier that our wedding is drawing James closer to his family.

I cut up some more magazines tonight because I hadn’t played with my wedding book in a while.

I added an invitations page with a couple of ideas on it. I tried to print out some flowers and a cake that I really like, but the printer is dying, just about out of ink.

James picked out a few boutineers that he liked. I love when he gets involved in stuff. He also saw some flowers that I was cutting out and said he really liked those, too. I don’t have the names of them right in front of me, but they’re something a little bit different from the usual roses.

But, of course, it wasn’t as easy as just picking out some stuff that he liked. He asked me what I thought of his choices. And I said, “It’s up to you. You’re the one who will be wearing it.”

I thought I was doing the right thing, the thing he has asked me to do: Let him have an opinion. But he thinks that I’m not helping him. He says he doesn’t know anything about this stuff and that he values my opinion.

I don’t know how to balance keeping him involved and letting him make choices with giving my opinion and help when he needs it. His reactions confuse me. He wants to have a say, but he wants my input.

We decided to set aside some time each week, probably Sunday nights, to just talk about wedding stuff. Hopefully that will help to resolve this issue. I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope.

We’ve started to compile a list of music that we want played at the reception. We’re pretty much set on “Banana Pancakes” by Jack Johnson for our first dance. Jack Johnson was the first music we shared together, and banana pancakes are our favorite breakfast to make together. Not to mention the part where he tries to convince her to stay in bed; that is so us.

The other songs we want played at some point:

Hard to Concentrate
Red Hot Chili Peppers

Give It to You
G Love (feat. Jack Johnson)

Wouldn’t It Be Nice
The Beach Boys

Let’s Stay Together
Al Green

Baby Boy
Beyonce (feat. Jean Paul)

Could You Be Loved
Bob Marley

You Don’t Have To Be Strong
Breanna

Everything I Do (I Do It For You)
Brian Adams

Kiss That Counted
Catie Curtis

Accidentally in Love
Counting Crows

Tanglewood Tree
Dave Carter & Tracy Grammer

Galileo
Indigo Girls

Power of Two
Indigo Girls

Bubble Toes
Jack Johnson

Do You Remember?
Jack Johnson

Cupid
Jack Johnson

Better Together
Jack Johnson

You’ve Got a Friend
James Taylor

Your Body Is a Wonderland
John Mayer

Ring of Fire
Johnny Cash

I Walk the Line
Johnny Cash

A Case of You
Joni Mitchell

Some Kind of Wonderful
Joss Stone

I Turn to You
Melanie C

I’m the Only One
Melissa Ethridge

James
The Nields

One Hundred Names
The Nields

Hella Good
No Doubt

Whenever, Wherever
Shakira

Iced Tea
Shelby Lynn

Wild Horses
The Sundays

Most of these songs are culled from my iTunes library. We have yet to tackle the 7,000 or more songs James is carrying around on his iPod.

Edited by James: 10,000 or more (10,321 plus another 2 or 300 that I haven’t added to iTunes and thus my iPod)

The appraisal came by email tonight. And the value of the ring is twice what we paid for it! We are so amazed at the deal we got.

I’ll email the appraisal out to my insurance agent tomorrow. Of course, now we’ll have to pay twice as much in insurance. Oh well.

My friend Kate and her boyfriend, Dave, who I had never met, spent the night with us. They live in southern Connecticut, so it’s hard to plan time together without mamking a sleepover of it. I was nervous to have a complete stranger stay the night, but if Kate likes him as much as she said she did, then he should be a pretty great guy. We went out to dinner, played some cards, just had a really nice time.

James and I both really enjoyed spending time with them. We don’t hang out with couples all that often, so this was a refreshing change. Kate and Dave aren’t married or engaged (yet!), but they compliment each other so well. I know Kate is excited about the relationship.

It’s so easy to get isolated in this neck of the woods. James and I work together, and live together, so we spend pretty much all our time together. We forget, sometimes, to reach out to other people. This weekend reminded us that our relationship can’t exist in a vacuum. It’s important to replenish ourselves by spending time with other people.

Today we met with an appraiser to get the engagement ring appraised and added to our insurance. Unfortunately, we didn’t get the dollar amount right then. He took some pictures and made some measurements and will email us a PDF of the appraisal by Monday.

We’re nervous. We bought the ring from a reputable store, but we did buy it in Mexico and there was some negotiation in the price. We’re really hoping that we didn’t get ripped off.

I was encouraged, however, because the appraiser kept saying the center stone was cut very well and that it was beautiful and other good things.

Fingers are crossed.

James and I met with out officiant, the Rev. Richard Taber of Salisbury Congregational Church, where we’ll be getting married.

I’ve worked with Dick for about a year and a half now, and James has been coming to church with me somewhat over that time, so it seemed only natural that we would ask him to perform the ceremony. I like Dick a lot and he’s been very supportive of me over that last rocky section of my life. And James likes him, too.

He went over the service with us and talked about whether we wanted to add our own readings and music (which we do!). He takes marriage very seriously, which both James and I appreciated. He stressed that it is a forever committment, not “just while the good feelings last.” We left the meeting feeling very committed to each other and very happy to have Dick as our officiant.

I can’t believe the wedding is so far away! James and I both wish we could have it sooner, but money talks, and we have none for a long time.

James and I had a bit of a fight about the wedding today. I sent him a link to a page on The Knot that talks about issues that couples fight about during their engagement and the wedding planning. I thought it would be good for us to know some sticky spots so that we can avoid them. I didn’t think it was going to start a fight!

James said he feels like I spend so much time thinking about the wedding that I’m neglecting him. I, of course, am just so excited about being able to be so unabashadly girly in public that I can’t help myself.

We talked a bit and I promised to be more aware of when I’m getting sucked in. I think he gets how excited I am and how much fun I’m having. We decided to be sure to take some time every day away from laptops (he’s just started a side project that’s going to take up 20 hours a week), televisions, books, magazines, work, etc., to just be together.

Tonight we came home and had a nice talk over a glass of wine. We planned what furniture we need to buy for our move, where we want to put stuff, how we’re going to unpack, the little details like setting up cable and electricity. It was really nice. I think that as long as we keep our “date,” we’ll be fine.