I keep feeling the urge to sit down and organize everything wedding-related, but when I think about doing it, I’m completely overwhelmed. That “4 months” in my countdown ticker is making me nervous. That’s not very much time.

Sometimes I wish it would just get here, already. As much as I’m enjoying the planning and the excuse to drool over flowers and gowns, I hate the waiting.

And I’m starting to hate the transition in the relationship. I feel like James and I are in limbo. Every disagreement has hanging on it the unspoken thought: “Can we get through this? Is there a sign in here somewhere?”

It’s so frustrating because saying yes to James was the easiest decision I ever made in my life. I don’t ever doubt it. But I feel like I should, and that confuses me.

For so many years, it was ingrained in me by school, work, that whole big question of what are you going to do with your life? to do what I want; don’t depend on others for happiness.

But since I’ve met James, I’ve found that kind of thinking to be backwards. The lowest points in my life have been when I’ve felt bereft of human companionship, when I’ve felt alone and un-cared-for.

What schools and career paths don’t prepare you for is that time when who you love and how you love them are more important than what you do and how much you make.

There is a decided pressure on my generation, especially the female members of it, to save the world or make a million bucks. — but don’t fall into the trap of caring for your husband or children. Cause that’s a step backwards.

This time of transition is so painful, I think, because I am trying to get my head around the idea that most of what I’ve been told is wrong. I don’t plan to give up my career or my dreams when I get married, but I am realizing that I am no longer an individual.

We’re not having a unity candle at our ceremony and part of the reasoning is that we are not two becoming one. We will still be two. But together, we will be something more.

Growing is hard and painful and scary. But at least I’m not doing it alone.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 at 3:18 pm and is filed under engagement, home life, stress. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.