Of course, with 10 days to go, James and I have both come down with head colds. Figures. So all that time I spent cleaning the house for the party Saturday is wasted, since we’re being all sick and lazy and dirty.

Shopping tomorrow to pick up those last few things. Also meeting with the florist.

The checklist is growing smaller. Almost everything is done.

Now I just need to kick this cold.

I am dreading August. I think I am actually afraid of it.

Everything at The Journal is changing. The owners decided to cut their losses and shut down our print shop. We have an antiquated press and cannot afford to upgrade. Some people were laid off and all our deadlines have changed, since we now have to get our pages to an outside printer.

James has been, and is, instrumental in this process. He has a lot on his plate now and is very stressed out with all the meetings and preparations and putting out fires before they start.

Then, at my other job, we have a new chef, new menu and new procedures. And I have to buy black shirts for the new uniform.

We’re doing a tasting of the new menu Friday, which I’m looking forward to. If the main dishes are as good as the desserts we tried, it will be a very good thing indeed.

And then there’s the wedding. Only 39 days to go, according to The Knot. Yikes!

I made a list last night of everything we still have to do. It’s long. And I’m sure I’m missing something. I’ve already thought of another thing and forgotten it. Sigh.

But the napkin rings are coming along beautifully. I’ve got 60 that are just waiting for their final touches. And I really like the paper I’m using in them (thanks, Sharon, that’s from your box of leftovers), so I think I’m going to make escort cards out of it, too.

That’s what I forgot to put on the list: escort cards, table numbers, seating chart. But I can’t do that until the RSVPs are in.

It’s going to be a hard month.

I have been a bad wedding blogger, but I think when you hear what I’ve been up to, you’ll forgive me. At least, I hope so.Back on May 10, James and I met up with Melissa and Reed, who are also being married at the Wake Robin. Really sweet couple and we had a great time. Hopefully we’ll be able to hook up again.

On the home front, I’ve taken a second job to avoid putting any more wedding expenses on a credit card. I’m waitressing and hosting at The White Hart, a cozy hometown pub with an upscale menu. I am enjoying it so far (especially the tip money!), but I’m starting to get tired. At least I’ll have Memorial Day off from both jobs.

So, what’s left to do for the wedding? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a list:

Napkin rings!
Male wedding party (one down, two to go…)
Invitations (must be designed by the end of this month…that’s only a week!)
Favors?
Flower girl dresses (I keep forgetting to call their mom. Put that on the list.)
Groom’s outfit
Two more pew decorations to make
Buy materials for centerpieces
Call guests about room rate reduction
Figure out ceremony and music
Write vows
Finish paying for and pick up rings (engraving?)
Undergarments and shoes for the bride
Attendant gifts (I have my eye on a couple of things, just need to buy them)
Tiara, if I’m really going to do it (I want one!)
Cake topper (again, picked out, just have to buy)
Cake! We have done nothing with the cake!

Okay, I’m getting a little more frantic with each line I type, so I’m going to leave it at that for now. Things are crazy busy, but I think I can do all this. And if I can’t, well, we’ll still be married if I never get a tiara. That is, as long as we remember the marriage license. Put that on the list, too!

I keep feeling the urge to sit down and organize everything wedding-related, but when I think about doing it, I’m completely overwhelmed. That “4 months” in my countdown ticker is making me nervous. That’s not very much time.

Sometimes I wish it would just get here, already. As much as I’m enjoying the planning and the excuse to drool over flowers and gowns, I hate the waiting.

And I’m starting to hate the transition in the relationship. I feel like James and I are in limbo. Every disagreement has hanging on it the unspoken thought: “Can we get through this? Is there a sign in here somewhere?”

It’s so frustrating because saying yes to James was the easiest decision I ever made in my life. I don’t ever doubt it. But I feel like I should, and that confuses me.

For so many years, it was ingrained in me by school, work, that whole big question of what are you going to do with your life? to do what I want; don’t depend on others for happiness.

But since I’ve met James, I’ve found that kind of thinking to be backwards. The lowest points in my life have been when I’ve felt bereft of human companionship, when I’ve felt alone and un-cared-for.

What schools and career paths don’t prepare you for is that time when who you love and how you love them are more important than what you do and how much you make.

There is a decided pressure on my generation, especially the female members of it, to save the world or make a million bucks. — but don’t fall into the trap of caring for your husband or children. Cause that’s a step backwards.

This time of transition is so painful, I think, because I am trying to get my head around the idea that most of what I’ve been told is wrong. I don’t plan to give up my career or my dreams when I get married, but I am realizing that I am no longer an individual.

We’re not having a unity candle at our ceremony and part of the reasoning is that we are not two becoming one. We will still be two. But together, we will be something more.

Growing is hard and painful and scary. But at least I’m not doing it alone.

I know I promised a full report on Sharon’s wedding, but I just haven’t gotten there yet. However, I did just respond to a question on a wedding board asking, “When did you know your fiance was a keeper?”

Here’s my answer:

I’m not sure I have an exact moment…the feeling kinda snuck up on me, and was suddenly just there, fully bloomed.

We were friends for a few months before we started dating. I was seeing someone else, and when we broke up, James (FH) showed up at my house with a bottle of wine and a bag of Smartfood. And a shoulder to cry on.

He was the one who took me out for pizza to celebrate the first draft of the first chapter of my thesis.

He was the one who helped me through three batches of not-quite-right fudge to make Christmas presents for my family.

He is the one who fed, cleaned up after and played with my rabbits while I was away for two weeks.

He is the one who tells me I’m beautiful when I’m just lounging around the house in sweats.

He is the one who lugs firewood up from the basement and builds me a fire when I’m cold.

He is the one who refurbished a computer for my parents after seeing how badly theirs was performing.

He is the one who dealt with the alarm company after I burned food in the toaster and set off an ear-piercing alarm where I was house-sitting.

He is the one who holds me when I’m sad and laughs with me when I’m happy. He is the one I want to tell my news. He is the one I want to see first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I knew we would be married. I remember having a discussion about when we wanted to buy a house together. It wasn’t until after he proposed it occurred to me that most people plan the wedding, then think about buying the house. It just seemed so natural that we would be together, as if the marriage were inevitable, so we didn’t even have to discuss it.

I suppose the moment that drove it home more than anything was the first Christmas we spent together. My parents were visiting and while I was helping my mom wrap gifts, she turned to me and said, “Do you think he’s a keeper? Cause I do.”

Today marks our one year anniversary of being engaged. One year ago at this time, we were breaking the news to my parents, ordering champagne, celebrating on a cruise ship.

Man, I wish we were on a cruise ship now…

Yesterday marked six months to the wedding, another important benchmark.

Today, to celebrate, we are waiting for my maid(technically matron) of honor to call us and let us know what the plan is for tonight. Her bestfriend, whose birthday was March 4, died a little under a year ago. We plan to go out to celebrate the day.

Not totally romantic, but important to both of us, since Heather is such an important person in our lives. And I knew Jaci and hung out with her and miss her.

Cheers all around.

I’m not one of those people who are majorly into Valentine’s Day. Growing up, Mom and Dad would get us each a box of chocolates, a card and maybe a stuffed toy. It was never a big holiday with any of my boyfriends, either.

James and I started dating a few weeks before Valentine’s Day, so our first one together was pretty low-key. I got him a chocolate frog (which is still sitting on his desk at work) and a card. He did something similar for me.

Last year I think we made dinner together.

This year our plans kept evolving. He said he wanted some chocolates. The only candy he really eats are those filled chocolates–Russell Stover’s, Whitman’s, that kind of thing. I said I wanted flowers, but not long-stem red roses. The mark-up on those, especially at this time of year, is ridiculous.

So I got him a Whitman’s sampler and he got me yellow tulips and pink roses. We were both happy.

When we first started talking about celebrating Valentine’s Day, I said I wanted to go to the Colonial for dinner and a movie. But the only thing playing was Alvin and the Chipmunks and National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Not particularly romantic choices.

So then we decided to stay in. I found this recipe for creamy curried vegetables that I’ve been dying to try.

But then at lunch time, James said he wanted to go out for drinks. Our favorite place is The Woodland, in Lakeville. It’s just about everyone’s favorite place around here. You need reservations for a regular Thursday night; we were never going to get them for Valentine’s Day. But we like to go right after work, sit at the bar, sometimes order dinner. It’s our thing.

So, though I was really excited to make my veggies, I didn’t mind going out. But as we’re leaving at the end of the day, James says he doesn’t want to go out any more.

Anyway, we ended up going out, after a short discussion about how I didn’t want to cook any more. It was very nice. It always is. And James makes sure to leave generous tips in local establishments, so we get along well with the bartenders there. A nice night.

But I do have to say, coming in this morning and seeing my wedding orb saying only 6 months and 20 days, I started to freak out a bit. We need to get on invitations!

I was excited to update with all the progress we made this week — we booked a DJ, Music in Motion out of Seymour (their website is not the best, but they seem to be excellent DJs) and we put a deposit on a horse and carriage from Loon Meadow Farm to take us from the church to the Wake Robin — but James just walked in and said he hit a deer.

Now, he’s all calm about it. ‘Hey, I just hit a deer.’ When I slid off the road on the way to youth group Sunday night, putting a hole in my brand new bumper, I had to hold back the tears. Not to mention the tire went flat and I have to get new ones.

He’s now proudly showing off the dent to our coworkers.

So I’ll save the wedding stuff for tomorrow afternoon, after the papers go out and I’m bored.

I have been quite remiss in my blogging duties, and I can only blame the holidays and extreme holiday inertia. I think neither James nor I moved from the computer chair or couch, respectively, for the entire week the paper was shut down.

But another reason I haven’t been blogging is because, well, things have been difficult and I haven’t known quite what to say. One of the things we made it a point to do during shut-down week was to sit down and discuss the wedding, and we’ve found that we have very different approaches when it comes to interacting with our families (we knew that already, but really butt heads over it in the last week or so).

Also, issues we thought we had dealt with, like my struggle to balance my need for independence with my coming role as a married person, are cropping up again. Guess there’s more work to do there.

We made very few decisions about the wedding, but we were able to get all three bridesmaids in the same room at the same time. I think they all liked each other. I had fun, at least.

From all of this, I’ve learned that we’ve got quite a bit of work left to do, both in the practical planning and in the emotional preparation. I think we’re up for it. If not, well, I guess something will have to give. You don’t really need flowers for a wedding, do you?

It has been a strange holiday season at the J&J household this year. James has finally started to peek out from his 12-ton mound of work only to find me in hyper holiday elf mode. At which point he generally retreats back to his work cave.

But we have a tree (as has been documented here) and decorations and cookies. Most of the presents are bought; all of the cards have been mailed out. Even the save-the-dates made it in. This is our last week of work (yay for no paper the last week of the year) and everyone is hopped up on sugar and generally jolly.

James’s sister arrives Thursday evening and brings with her the start of Christmas. At least in my mind. Once you have family in town, Christmas begins.

This is the first year that we’ve given joint gifts. In some ways, it makes things a lot easier. In others, it’s harder, as I can’t just call up Mom for James’s grandmother’s address. But I’m having fun adding all these new family members to the list.

Working is getting weird again, gotta go. More holiday fun later.